A few days ago I did a post on my great grandfather who could heal horses by looking at them. My great grandfather died ten years before I was born. The only way I knew of the story is that for a while four generations lived in one house. One of his great grand daughters recorded the story.
I started to think that there are many things I do not know about my ancestors simply because I didn't ask. I can think of things I would ask Mom or Dad now if they were living. Why didn't I ask when they were living? There are many things I should have asked my grand parents but did not.
Part of the problem is that for most of us , by the time we think of things we are older and guess what? Our parents or grand parents have passed on.
I was in my sixties when my Dad was still living. I asked him about some things. They were things that I knew about. He was very fuzzy on the answers and some of the things he could not recall at all. I was too late. I found that he may not have answered the question I asked , but it would remind him of something else. One day out of the blue he told me how he and my mother began seeing one another. Dad was working in an area where he knew many young people. The young people got together at people's houses. Since none of them had cars, they walked home in a group. They were in the country and it was pitch dark. Somebody took his hand in the dark. It was our Mom. I was fascinated with the story and it would have been something I would never have dreamed about asking. Dad was shy when it came to the opposite sex. Guess What ? That gene was passed on to his four sons. The four daughter-in-laws sometimes have a good laugh about us when they get together!
My grandparents came from Europe. It was a gigantic move. They were peasants and had never traveled very far. Many of the sea voyages were close to tragedy. I should have asked and found out how brave they were. What was their trip like? What did they see that impressed them? They made the trip without English so it must have been terrifying.
My Mom died at age 59. Females are better at relating family stories ( My opinion only). I'm sure I would have been told many things without asking. Maybe I would have got the other side of the romance.
So I would urge all those younger than I am to make a list of questions and be prepared to ask parents and grand parents questions. For every answer you get there will be another question.
I'm emailing my kids to give them a heads up about asking questions.
Am I the only one who didn't ask questions and regrets it.
Oh no.. you're definitely not alone. Just like you said.. by the time you really want to know things, it's too late to ask anyone. My older son shows an interest in family history, which pleases me. I'm being careful to label old photos as long as I know who's in them. That's one place where I'm lost with my own ancestors. I have boxes of old photos and none of them marked.
ReplyDeleteI know where there are some old photos I would really like to have . I guess I'll have to hint a little more.
DeleteI love that story about your parents. If only we would think to ask questions while our parents are/were still able to answer them. My dad passed away in 2007, so it's too late to find out more from him. But my mother is still here, and in good health, so I do question her about family history. And some of her stories are so fascinating.
ReplyDeleteThings that you least expect are most interesting. My Dad died in 2008.
DeleteI did ask my Mom some questions and got those answers - then I moved away from home to new area and University - when I go around to asking the questions about aunts and uncles, etc, my Mom still had a sharp memory and did right up to her passing. I loved her mind and everybody would say "Ask Maddy, she knows the answer". I wish I could get all the answers to the unknown questions I still have. Excellent post Red.
ReplyDeleteI think women are better at asking questions than men.
DeleteI asked questions sometimes of my dad, especially when he was "in his cups" as they say. I learned some stuff I wish I hadn't, like the fact that when we was overseas for six months he took up with a German woman and had a child. So I've got a half sister somewhere over there.
ReplyDeleteBut you're right, Red. It's important to ask when you have a chance. I would have loved to hear about the voyage to America by your ancestors. I'm sure you would have, too.
I've heard stories from other people who made the same journey so I have some idea of the challenge they faced.
Delete*sigh* my parents are both gone and the last of my grandparents died when i was one yr. old. my mom was the youngest of 8, my father the youngest of 12, i was the youngest of 8. i lost a ton of connection to the former generations, just from 'aging out'.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like there was a major spread in the generations in your family.
DeleteYou have prompted me to ask some questions of my mom for future generations. She use to tell a lot f stories about my grand parents and great grand parent when I was younger . I haven't heard her tell any in a while , and I really enjoyed hearing them.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think the older people start to forget about things from their childhood.
DeleteI so agree, and have begun to change this by asking my clients about their families. I would recommend doing a Life Review with friends or family!
ReplyDeleteI think it's important that somebody remind people to ask questions. I like your idea of asking your clients to put down some of their stories.
DeleteAlways nice to have a historian, that is me in my family.Much was still lost through the generations.
ReplyDeleteso your the guy who does the family tree!! people like you are valuable in their family as they dig for things and record them.
DeleteGood advice. The problem I have is that when I ask my 89 year old mother questions she comes up with a different answer each time. I don't think it's because she's getting senile; quite the opposite. She's rewriting the past.
ReplyDeleteI found the same with Dad that his stories changed.
DeleteYes, we never ask when there is an opportunity and some times we never click when there is an opportunity. Like I realised that I don't a single picture of our rotary landline phone even though I have clicked many pictures at home during those days,
ReplyDeleteOh don't start me on missed or lost photos. I think it will be better with digital.
DeleteI totally agree. My grandparents and parents died when I was young. I hate that I did not ask more questions. Now that my parents have been passed for 21 years now I am starting to forget what few stories I did know. Thanks for sharing
ReplyDeleteWe have to talk about these stories to keep them in our head. When I visit with my brothers it's always a time of renewal.
DeleteMy father died young and would never talk about himself or what he felt. My mum died last year of dementia but even before that talked about nothing but herself.
ReplyDeleteFamily is family I don't think it helps to hark back. As I get older it is a temptation.
Harking and bitterness is one think but a good story is valuable.
DeleteHi Red,
ReplyDeleteI lost both my parents when I was in my thirties, and have so many questions unanswered. It's sort of what I was getting at in one of my earlier posts if you remember, those questions we never ask. My daughters are making sure there is no stone unturned where I am concerned, as they are so aware of how people disappear from ones life, and what they don't ask, then I tell.
I remember that post. It was good one. I think we have to encourage our kids to ask.
DeleteSame story here. Too little and to late to find out things. My interest in family history started when I was in my sixties...
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid that that is what happens to most of us. We seem to mature in that department in our 60's
DeleteWell ...I hope your children ask questions now while you can still answer them! Perhaps you already have answered some questions here by writing a blog?
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you Mom was a go getter since she grasped your Dad's hand!
Have I heard before how you met your wife? :)
I don't think I'm any better than a lot of people in telling my kids about family. Both my kids live far away. I think bloggers leave a lot more information than others.
DeleteOh Red I am sorry I would spend hours and hours with my grandparents and hold all those stories, my brothers did not really care I am not sure if it was the reason that they were boys, I think I just had more interest. Tell your kids your stories Red they will listen, the blog will help them listen my girls love my blog history. B
ReplyDeleteI think women are much better in this department.
DeleteTell your children your stories. They will be fascinated. I am fascinated with my family history and my husbands family. They both came from Germany at the same time on the same boat. I wonder if they knew each other. I love hearing the old stories from hubbys dad. Hubby - not so much.
ReplyDeleteBoth my kids live far away. I hope they read my blog from time to time.
DeleteI've had regrets as well about not asking more questions when my grandparents were alive. I just didn't think much about it then - now I do - and it's too late.
ReplyDeleteHow very true. I must confess that one of the reasons I started my blog was to answer the questions I suspected my son would ask long after I had gone.
ReplyDeleteI wish I'd asked more questions, and I wish I'd written down more of what I DID hear!!! My Dad died when I was 28, my Mum when I was 33, so I didn't have enough time.
ReplyDeleteI am guilty of this as well. I never asked enough questions about my ancestors. I have seen many a picture but have not asked enough stories about them. I need to rectify that.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had. I find now my Mom doesn't remember exactly the whole truth of events. She admits her memory isn't good. I so wish I would have asked my Dad more about his own family. I've tried to research family roots so that my kids and Grandkids will have some sense of where they come from. It would be nice to be able to have put some stories with the names...if only....
ReplyDeleteNo Red there are many of us in the same situation as you have now discovered. We did ask questions. The problem is that it's much easier to think of new ones when there is no one to answer them.
ReplyDeleteSame here. I now regret not asking more questions, especially about relatives nd the family histories. Luckily my dad did write some of his story down - growing up in a rural general store here in Ontario.
ReplyDelete