Yesterday would have been my sister's 73 birthday. She left us all too soon 61 years ago at the age of eleven. Most January firsts I think of her birthday and that it is remembered but not celebrated.
Most people remember the birthday of family members they have lost. It's another time when we take one more tiny step in coming to terms with the loss.
Since my sister's birthday was January first, I do not remember any birthday celebrations as you would have for kids. I don't remember birthday cakes. Our New Years Day was marked with a major dinner and was like a second Christmas day. I wonder what happened to her birthday celebrations?
My sister's death brought about major changes in the family. She was the only daughter so in her own right she was a favored child. For my parents this was a loss that was extremely hard to come to terms with. I think my Mom came to a place where she could carry on with her life. It was much more difficult for my Dad to come to terms with the loss.
Many things occurred as a result of this loss and I sometimes wonder what would have happened without the loss. Parenting certainly would have been different or parenting would have taken place. My brother and I were in our sixties before we ever talked to each other about the loss. Kids were not considered to grieve in those days so they were left on their own.
So now when there are fewer and fewer who actually knew my sister, I wonder how long her memory will be kept? For this day and others she will be remembered.
so sad that grief was not allowed or discussed. but i understand that as my parents were not communicative either. instead, they bury their feelings inside.
ReplyDeleteWhat's past is passed. We remember and go forward.
DeleteFirst we deal with the loss of the person and if they have no children to remember them, we deal with the loss of their memory. I do not talk about my grief at the loss of my sister but keep it inside. It is just the way I am and I get very uncomfortable when my brothers and sister talk about it, as if it is too delicate.
ReplyDeleteEach one of us has a unique way to grieve.
DeleteSo sad to loos a sister at such a young age. It has a big impact on everybody's life, as well for the parents as the other siblings.
ReplyDeleteWe found out we weren't the only ones with a loss.
DeleteI never went to a funeral until I was close to eighteen. Kids went to the same home always
ReplyDeleteFunerals were different in the old days. I like what happens today where we have a memorial.
DeleteHi Red, You have written a very kind recollection here. I wonder what caused your sister's early passing? Isn't it interesting how cultures have changed about grieving. Thank you for sharing. John
ReplyDeleteWhat I like to do is remember.
DeleteI know all about grief and the loss of children. When I was 22, my beautiful infant died suddenly, and for at least ten years I was unable to cope. My surviving son was the one who paid the biggest price, being 4 and unable to understand grief. But today I am in my 73rd year, and I can attest to the fact that grief does change over the years to something that can be managed. But you never forget. I'm sorry about your sister, Red.
ReplyDeleteSo you see family losses are more common than you think. As a teacher I also found that many children were lost.
DeleteI'm so sorry for the loss of your sister. What a terrible time it was for your family. Her memory is still alive and well in you.
ReplyDeleteThanks. The bad times are behind but I like to keep the memory alive.
DeleteSo sorry to hear about your sister. I came from a large family but most of them are now gone. I worry that they won't be remembered and this often inspires me to write stories about them, to do what i can in my small way to preserve their memory.
ReplyDeleteThanks. I suppose that as time goes by the memory fades and is gone. The little cemetery at home has people buried there and we don't know who they were.
DeleteI'm sorry for your loss. It never goes away, really.
ReplyDeleteI've lost two brothers and two nephews before their time. One brother drowned when I was a year old, so I have no memory of him. The other died a few years ago of cancer, and I still miss him tremendously. One of his sons died of cancer too. The other nephew had complications from birth and lived to his third year.
All are important losses. The brother ypo lost when you were one probably had a huge influence on the way you were raised.
DeleteRed I'm so sorry your sister passed at such a young age and without a doubt it affected the whole family. Even in my generation feelings were not discussed as they are today, it's so awesome and excites me when I hear teens speak of their feelings today. For me with my Dad's passing when I was a mere 4 1/2 I carried the grief within until a few years ago, about 45 years is a long time to hang onto grief. Huge hugs sent out your way.
ReplyDeleteThanks. I think there is more sharing today to help deal with our losses.
DeleteReading your post and some of the comments... it's such a sad and difficult experience to lose a child. I can not more than imagine the depths of that grief. I can sort of understand why at one time the remaining siblings were not allowed to be part of that process. Thankfully we know better, these days and grief counselors help the whole family. I'm sorry for your loss so long ago. It's beautiful that you remember your sister this way on the anniversary of her birth.
ReplyDeleteThings have changed but it's still a stressful situation.
DeleteMy sympathy Red, by remembering what you can about your sister and writing about her you share her memory with many people. Many people get stuck in a grieving stage if they are not allowed to grieve. In the old days some things were not spoken of. I cannot understand why? :(
ReplyDeleteThanks. I think having memorials today is much better than the old time funeral.
DeleteI sense a whole lot of pain underlying this post. I think you lost a sister and your parents too. It must make New Years Day a poignant one for you.
ReplyDeleteYou're right about losing parents. We weren't old enough to help our parents. Children were pushed aside from the grieving process as they thought kids did not grieve. Some New Years I think more on the loss than others.
DeleteMy Mom lost a baby, when I was a very small girl and I remember her being laid out in the parlor. I remember the casket being so small - my Father had made it. Our family was quiet for a long time and then one Sunday, Mom said we would all go on a picnic and to the Museum. WE did that every year on that same date and one day I understood that we were having the picnic and trip to the Museum in memory of the baby that died. They didn't name babies that died in childbirth back then. All I understood at the time was that something tragic happened and my Mother was sick for a while. I can understand how difficult losing loved one at all is, but on or around Holidays or special calendar days is much harder when remembering. I am sorry for the loss of your Sister, so long ago and commend you Red for remembering and honouring her memory these many years later. Lilly
ReplyDeleteMy sister died on my Dads Birthday. After that my family did not want to celebrate my dads birthday for years.
ReplyDeleteAfter that it seemed my siblings were dying so soon. My brother and I are the only ones left. A nice blog as it is open conversation. I find and you yourself and others. It is hard burying your family being so young. And my parents burying a daughter at 19 as she was hit by a car. My parents lived in the age pf 95 and 96.
Red, I am so sorry. I can't understand why people didn't talk about these things years ago. To this day, I don't know exactly why my twin sister died. I heard bits and pieces my entire life. She lived only 24 hrs. My Mother never talked about it .For your folks, it must have been really hard losing a child at the age of eleven, and for you, losing a sister of that age.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a tough story to read.
ReplyDeleteYou are right, many never recover from the death of a child. Fortunately, we know much more about grief, pre-grieving, and bereavement. My daughter's friends' son died at age 5 last year. He was in hospice, with much support. All felt it, but they shared their grief.
I am so sorry for that terrible loss, Red. There was one year I had three boys in my 1st grade classroom who were dealing with the loss of a loved one. I can still see their faces. One lost his mother suddenly of a heart attack the month before. The other lost his father 2 months before and the last one lost his oldest sister 2 years before. Each were in different stages of grief.
ReplyDeleteThere was shock, disbelief, numbness and extreme sorrow. My heart aches everytime I think of it. I was told that year that boys have a harder time dealing with death because they have a hard time expressing it. They also said the younger the child, the more it can affect his state of mind.
After reading your posts, I sense kindness and empathy in your words. You are a loving person and I know a wonderful teacher. Perhaps the pain you've suffered gave you the knowledge to understand others.