I've been enjoying a series on senior care on the CBC's the Current.
Today they had a couple of sisters talking about the care of their mother and step father. They described a tremendous amount of push and pull. The mother and step dad wanted to stay in their home and look after themselves. The sisters know that the step Dad is struggling to cope. The sisters feel guilt about putting their mother in care. There are many different issues competing with each other with the potential decisions that are going to have to be made.
Who makes the decisions. The person with dementia is still cognizant enough to be in on the decision but can't make a rational decision. Family members don't always agree. The siblings doing the most care feel that they should have more clout in the decision.
It was interesting to listen to these two sisters discuss their mother's care.
Not all families have a nice cut and dried family dynamic.
Our family had a different set up. My Dad had remarried so there was a step Mom. Dad was the one who developed Parkinson's and needed care. For a few years our Step Mom was able to look after Dad. She had 2 of her own children in the community.
Our Step Mom had things figured out. For a decision she would call Dad's 4 sons. She was skillful in getting us to agree to the same thing. Then she would go to Dad and say, " the boys say..." Then he would agree.
It finally came to the point where Dad had to go in care. He didn't want to live in care so told our Step mom the he would go back home which was 300 miles away. She asked Dad how he was going to get there. He said he'd take the train. The train hadn't run for 50 years. That was the end of the discussion.
Even though our step mom has been gone for a long time she still deserves a pat on the back.
Our step Mom died before Dad so Dad did get to go back home but in the nursing home.
Thanks for sharing Mr. Red. I love how the stepmom did a round robin survey of the sons and then told her hubby, "the boys said." How simple. I had one confused hospice patient who talked about catching the apple train. We thought he was really imagining things. We we told an elderly relative; they said he used to live in Washington State and the kids would catch rides on the train of carts full of apples. Many elderlings have images of "catching" some transportation method, like the plain, train, or boat as they plan their exit from this world. Linda in Kansas
ReplyDeleteI never thought that travel would stand for leaving.
DeleteI am thankful for all the caregivers! Take care, have a great day!
ReplyDeleteCare givers are very special people.
DeleteShe's sounds like a clever woman. Seniordom can be scary to contemplate.
ReplyDeleteBeing senior is a pleasant place in life but there are many issues that can make it terrible.
DeleteHard decisions to make. Your step-mother was very wise!
ReplyDeleteshe kept us on our toes as well as being informed.
DeleteThat's a difficult time to go through. My Dad had Alzheimer's and my Mom cared for him at home but it got impossible when my Mom broke her back and needed care herself. For awhile we tried a live in helper but that didn't always work the way Mom liked. Eventually, we all agreed that they would have to move to assisted care. It was sad but it worked much better and they were much safer. I was lucky that my 3 siblings and I all live in the same city as my parents so we could all pitch in and took turns helping out all of the time.
ReplyDeleteNot many families all live in the same location.
DeleteSuch a difficult stage of life...to reach the point where your decisions are no longer your own. I hope that time does not come for me, but I expect that someday it will.
ReplyDeleteWe can make no predictions on our condition. We have to hope that someone is there to look after us.
DeleteThanks for the inspiring story, Red. Your Step Mom was a good negotiator, it seems. Everyone benefits from that.
ReplyDeleteI think many times she felt like she was walking on eggs.
DeleteIt is a difficult road to travel. It is not easy either.
ReplyDeleteYes, hard for everybody around. You've just gone through it with your folks.
DeleteYour step-mother was smart to find a way to convince your dad to do things. It's good that he respected your and your brothers' opinions and would then say yes to what she was saying. With some folks with dementia, nothing will convince them. They are right about everything, in their minds. It makes it hard to give them proper care. My mom is like this.
ReplyDeleteWhat's hard to get it the concept of irrationality. It's hard to accept. Had an old friend who looked in the mirror and That was his friend and he would talk to this friend.
ReplyDeleteOld age can be a sad time.
ReplyDeleteSo often, like with your step mother, the carer dies before the cared for. When that happens it turns all assumptions on their head.
ReplyDeleteI've been listening to these as well. I was the caregiver for mum and dad and it was hard, added in, a family that didn't all really agree. I hope I have a heart attack before I end up with dementia, or MAID has caught up with dementia.
ReplyDeleteThose are some tough questions and situations that will need to be worked on among the family members.
ReplyDelete