CONVERSATIONS ON DEMENTIA

       Being in my mid eighties , I find more and more that former colleagues, old friends and relatives have someone in the family with dementia. I can understand that people get  dementia. It's a horrible condition which robs people of normal functions. It's extremely stressful for family as they go through the challenges of looking after one. 

     One thing that bothers me around dementia is the conversations we have or don't have about the condition. Some people are in denial and don't want to talk about the situation. Other people don't want to talk about the dementia patient in front of them as it may be very confusing for the patient. 

    So unless there are situations where relatives and caregivers can communicate without the patient in attendance, much needed communication is not done. 

    You hear from people that they feel so alone as they care for someone with dementia. It's very sad. 

     I have a friend who has yet to tell me that his wife has dementia. This dance has been going on for more than 2 years. I hear bits and pieces from relatives and friends. 

   So my question is, how do we communicate and support the caregivers and family of someone with dementia? How do we talk to someone with dementia when it progresses through it's many stages?

    My father had Parkinson's. I can tell you that regular people have great difficulty when it comes to dealing with somebody who is irrational. 

DEMENTIA

  Far Side of Far Side of Fifty wrote a tribute to her Dad yesterday. It was a difficult tribute to write as her Dad has dementia. 

    She very clearly listed the main symptoms of dementia. 

    Memory loss, difficulty finding words, getting lost, unable to problem solve, unable to do two tasks at once. 

   I looked at them and then started to wonder how many people in their 80's have similar symptoms. I know I have similar symptoms . But symptoms can be in various stages .

    I don't have memory loss. I do have difficulty finding words. Somebody usually quickly helps me out. I don't get lost although today I walked right by my parked car and had to think about where I had parked it. I know that solving some types of problems is a challenge but I still get my crosswords, sudokus, wordle and a few others. I don't like having to multi task. I like to be able to do one at a time. 

     Last year I wanted to build another bird house. I had a fence board that I wanted to use up to make the bird house. I had problems to visualize how sides bottoms and top fit together. To make matters worse the one end of the board had been sawed crooked. I didn't catch that and it made problems for me in fitting all pieces together. I wondered why pieces didn't fit. 

    So are we on the way to dementia or just not very sharp any more?

VISITING WALTER

      I have written several times about Walter. Walter was my neighbor, a retired college professor and a character.

      It was always interesting to stop and visit Walter or to go for a walk with him. He never wanted to turn around and go back home.

     Walter was a talker. His interests and knowledge were broad. He was bright and curious. He held nothing against you if you disagreed. He would respectfully listen to your point and go on.

     In my last post on Walter I told how he was removed from the home because his dementia had caused great insecurity for his wife. Walter stayed in the local hospital for a month and then a place was found for him in a senior's facility that took dementia patients.

     I went to visit Walter yesterday and I was appalled at the deterioration I found in him. Walter hasn't known me for a year but he would always tell people that I was a "good guy." He had always described me as a "good guy" and I will always remember that complement.

    I have seen dementia patients but I wasn't prepared for what I saw yesterday. I got there at a bad time as he was to go for supper in 5 minutes. I tried to explain that I would visit for five minutes as he had to go for supper. He replied that he was going to have a sleep. I pointed to the clock. That meant nothing to him. The water was  running in his sink. I pointed it out and he went in and was talking to the guy in the mirror. He had a jigsaw puzzle on a table. He told me not to touch it that it was somebody else's jig saw and he would be mad if I touched it.

    I just wasn't prepared to see somebody like Walter in total chaos. He has no sense of time. His wife told me he cannot read the clock or understand time. The staff came to get him for supper so I thought I walk with him to the dining room. He completely forgot that I was the person who came to visit him.

    What an awful way to end your life!

     I wasn't even a "good guy " yesterday.

A SAD ENDING

     I have written about one of my neighbors on this blog before. I live about 7 houses away from him and always have a good visit when I went by his place. We have also walked together. We've attended community events. In other words , I know him very well.

    Said neighbor was a college instructor in psychology and also spent time counselling. From my visiting with him, he was a good counsellor. He knew the statistics and a whole lot of other things from a very active life. He was a very active bee keeper and was well informed about raising bees.

    Yesterday the roof fell in on his life. He was taken out of the home due to his dementia. For the past three years it was obvious that he was not well. He talked in very general vague terms. Physically he lost weight and became very frail. He always tried to present himself  as the same old guy. He was always going to call me and we would go walking. He never called and I was not going to ask him to go walking. He was not going to admit that he had any problems so you can't talk to a guy about his dementia if he refuses to admit he has dementia. His wife isn't going to talk about his dementia as he would argue about it and there would be a very uncomfortable situation.

     So life carried on under difficult circumstances for them. Family was supportive to this couple.

     For the last 6 months his condition worsened rapidly.

     Recently things became acute. He threatened his wife. He was going to kick her out of the house. He obviously thought she was someone else. She called the police over one incident. Nothing was done. A few days later she called emergency and he was taken out of the home and admitted to hospital. She felt guilty about turning him in but it's the only option she had. Her physician had told her that she had to make a decision.

    The next day she visited and they found that his dementia medication was very incorrect so some of his anxious behaviour was due to incorrect medication. However, he will not be able to come home.

   So I find it very sad that there's such a crash ending to a relationship that has been enjoyed for over 60 years.

An Interesting Dementia Documentary

     The last two mornings the CBC'S the Current has had their whole hour and a half program on dementia. They have covered causes, research, care, caregivers, medications and much more. They interviewed many experts on dementia. Governments and health care facilities are worried as the baby boomers group nears a peak time for developing dementia. They are wondering how the system will cope.

    This morning there was a major segment on care givers. Many people attempt to care for a relative with dementia. Many give excellent care but sooner or later they become exhausted. 

   This section of the documentary made me think of my Dad's situation. Dad developed late on set Parkinson's . We had a wonderful Step Mom. She was capable and competent. She was determined to look after Dad. I lived 1400 km (900 mi.) away from Dad  and my brothers were 800 km (500 mi) away from  Dad. It was good that she was determined to look after Dad. We were consulted before any decisions were made about Dad's changes care and our step mom made sure everybody was on side. 

    The problems that happened in the home were falling. At first she managed. Then he fell one night and she couldn't get him up so that ended care at home. Dad also did a little wandering at night. Our step mom would watch him as he went outside and looked up and down the street. She asked him one time what he was looking for. He said, " He was looking for his truck with a load of pigs." 

    However, a time came when it was not possible to care for Dad at home anymore. First, there were several respites and then the time came for full time care. Our step mom spent time with Dad everyday.

   Now I joked with my step mom one time that Dad may outlive her and she would not be able to complete her mission of looking after Dad to the end. Sure enough. That's what happened.

    We were fortunate enough to get Dad moved back home to a nursing home. Here he had three sons and many grandchildren. Care was still an issue as he continued to deteriorate.

   When listening to the stories on the documentary I couldn't help but think that we were fortunate in how our Dad was cared for. For many people the care can be a disaster. 

I Have Seen the Future

     I went to the Medical Lab this morning for a test. While I was waiting a man brought in his very elderly mother. He had thoughtfully picked up a wheel chair at the hospital entrance as these institutions are extremely large. Again, he thoughtfully picked out a  place at the end of a row of chairs to park her wheel chair. This waiting room has a combination of chairs and tables which are the same height and color scheme . The little tables are convenient for people to put their stuff on while they're waiting.

    The little old lady was parked beside one of the tables. Her son had to sit on a chair on the other side of the table. The lady decided that she wanted her son to sit beside her. The son told her that he couldn't sit beside her as there was a table between them. She completely ignored this information. She wouldn't give up and kept bickering. She got up and before the son could react , parked herself on the table. Once she was sitting on the table he couldn't persuade her that it wasn't a chair but a table and she wasn't supposed to sit on the table. He also had some concern for her safety. Finally, he persuaded his mother to get back in the wheel chair and he sat on the table. Now the son was extremely large so he had to be very careful or the table would collapse. 

    By this time everybody in the waiting room was aware of the situation and couldn't help but be amused. The son was someone who dealt with his mother's behavior in a very unruffled  manner. He was very aware of the audience he had. He knew the value of not treating the irrational with the rational. His mother must have been an English teacher as she constantly corrected his grammar. She was still right on with her grammar.

   So I thought for a second...this could be me some day! So you see I saw the future.

    On another level I had to admire the way the son handled the situation. He was in some control of a chaotic situation. This lady was obviously a very bright person and she still had some of her mind but other parts of it were completely missing.

   It reminded me of the last visit I had with my Dad. I went to his nursing home and found him sound asleep  at the breakfast table. He wakened when I talked to him. He was an old farmer. He said that he wanted to stop and have dinner but he couldn't find the barn to put his horses in. I tried to distract him so that he would be in the present moment so I could visit with him. I told him I knew where the barn was and I would put the horses away. Don't worry. This didn't work. I took him on a tour of the nursing home. He still fretted about his horses. 

    Finally I gave up. I stayed until lunch time. 

    I've thought many times about how to deal with the irrational. What would I do today? I would ask him the names of his horses. I would ask him which field he was working in. I would ask him if he was sowing a crop or cultivating the soil? I don't know if this would work, but I would have been on his topic. The little old lady and Dad would not let go of their ideas. It's difficult to understand their persistence in holding on to an idea. Irrationality is hard to deal with.